The Travel Post

I have done some travelling in the past four years. Not travelling like that hot little British guy on the Discovery channel, (no bug-eating or drinking my own urine or anything)but I've gotten around. I think I'm a pretty good traveller, not because I'm ever prepared or on time, but because I bloody love it. I would like to impart a few words of advice, should you be about to drive 2 hours or travel across Europe with nothing but a ziplockbag and a wad of Canadian Tire bills. The whole 'be at the airport 1 hour before domestic flights, 2 hours for international and three hours for intercontinental flights' is a conspiracy. The Airport (who is the pimp to the airlines) want you there waaaaay ahead of time so you can spend money in their kiosks and bars. They want you to drop 12$ on last weeks' issue of Hello Canada and then pound back nine watered down drinks in the airport bar before boarding their avian whoreplane where, now bitten by the booze-bug will be thirsty for more super-inflated drinks. Take it from me, that bird is not leaving on time, so show up when you're good and ready. They'll wait. Why do you think they're always calling people's names in airports anyways? When your luggage doesnt turn up at the terminal where you land, consider it valet service for your bags. In fact, if you can, skip out of the airport and go directly to your hotel/host's house. The airline will DELIVER the bags to you the very next day! It just saves you having to lug all your unneeded crap though the streets. A word of caution on this one though, pack a pair of undies in your carry-on and be prepared to spring for some deodorant when you arrive. No one likes a stinky guest. In a hotel: Don't even look at that top bed-spread. Peel it back, lay it on the floor and pretend that the last eight seconds didn't happen. That revolting piece of fabric has more fluids on it than the backseat of a varsity team bus. Steer clear my friends. Also in this category is the glass-wear in the bathroom (they never get washed) and the remote control. Without getting to graphic, the remote control is what the other hand is holding. That's all I'm going to say about that. So now that you cant sit on your bed, have a glass of water and watch some TV, whatever will you do? Make the hotel know you are there. Leave your bags in the lobby to be carried up. Ask for more anything from the front desk; towels, shampoo, whatever... These people are there to see to your needs and you don't want to disappoint them. If you are flying Air Canada and this is an overseas flight, you have just scored the mother load. Make friends with the flight attendants!! Have a few bevvies!! Have a few more!!! Maybe take a tour of the second floor staff quarters of a 747!! Maybe do NOT have a three way with two of them, no matter how much they insist. But do have a few more bevvies, score a sweet 3$ blanket for free and find Daniel Craig on your private set-back TV. Curl up with him and your soon to be pounding hangover and try not to think about your desolate, workaday life that you will be preparing to descend into in about 20 minutes. When you get home, do the laundry right away. I know, I know, it sucks, you hate laundry, bla, bla, but at least at that very moment you have some sense of euphoria left in you and you will be less inclined to climb into that dryer and close the door behind you. I have more tips to impart, but they mostly involve KLM flight attendants, what not to order on the plane, what movies to avoid and what not to pack, both carry-on and checked luggage. Those tips seem like a later post. Happy travels!!