The New Year Post

Ahhh, 2010 is upon us at last. After countless primary school years of 'what will it be like in the year 2010' the mystery is revealed. No more clocks with hands, fat kids everywhere, insurmountable debt abound and every single dinner conversation is now halted by a Googlesurf. On your phone. Which now replaces your land-line. January first. The first day of a whole new year; a whole new decade, in fact. I suppose it seems appropriate to compile a list of resolutions for myself; a list of promises to me, or you, or a Higher Power of deep inner reflections of myself and ways that I feel I can shine a little brighter, be a better person, make a finer imprint on the world. Well, I'm not gonna. The fact is, I'm pretty satisfied with me, just the way I am. Sure, I could be thinner, faster, kinder; I could donate more (any) money to charity, adopt a pet, foster a child in Africa; I could stop shoveling my driveway snow out into the street for the plow to deal with, I could even stop 'reply-all'-ing, but if I did any of those things, well then I wouldn't be me. And I like me. And I think that most people should spend a little less time making sure-bet failed promises of ways they can improve themselves and spend a little more time accepting the person that they are. So in light of my commitment NOT to change, here is an odd list of things I have never done, nor do I feel the need to do, whatsoever: 1. Let's get the dirty business out of the way right off the top; I have never been to any sort of strip club, male or female. For one, I have a daughter and the idea of anyone paying to see her naked body is purely and entirely sick and revolting and two, because the thought of seeing a dancing naked male body is enough to make me want to pour Drano in my own eyes. 2. I have never been to Burger King, Wendy's or A&W. I'm not on higher ground here, I just have never been. I love a Big Mac, but in the world of fast food, that's where it ends. Whoppers, square hamburgers and anything "Teen" are not part of my repertoire. 3. Seen ET, any Star Wars (except the original one), the Princess Bride or the Sound of Music. I don't like movies about things that aren't even remotely real. Aliens on bycicles, giant white angora camels, singing midgets, Austrians...it's all too 'hokey-poky' for me. 4. Stayed in a hostel. I always thought I wanted to, and during my last EU trip, I had it all planned out (that is to say, it was on the to-do list). Then I found out that when you check in to a hostel, THEY HAND YOU YOUR BEDSHEETS. To PUT ON YOUR BED. YOURSELF. Suffice it to say, I have scratched hosteling off the list. Ibis is about as close to self-catering as I`m prepared to go at this point I think. 5. Had anything pierced(other than my ears) or tattooed. I just feel like disfiguring my body is something I would only want to do when my body starts to fail and is going to look pretty nasty anyway. My ears are no longer pierced. I think that as long as your list of what you have done and what you will still do consists of more than five things then you`re on the right track. Here's to you, just the way you are! Happy New Year! Happy New Decade!

The Travel Post

I have done some travelling in the past four years. Not travelling like that hot little British guy on the Discovery channel, (no bug-eating or drinking my own urine or anything)but I've gotten around. I think I'm a pretty good traveller, not because I'm ever prepared or on time, but because I bloody love it. I would like to impart a few words of advice, should you be about to drive 2 hours or travel across Europe with nothing but a ziplockbag and a wad of Canadian Tire bills. The whole 'be at the airport 1 hour before domestic flights, 2 hours for international and three hours for intercontinental flights' is a conspiracy. The Airport (who is the pimp to the airlines) want you there waaaaay ahead of time so you can spend money in their kiosks and bars. They want you to drop 12$ on last weeks' issue of Hello Canada and then pound back nine watered down drinks in the airport bar before boarding their avian whoreplane where, now bitten by the booze-bug will be thirsty for more super-inflated drinks. Take it from me, that bird is not leaving on time, so show up when you're good and ready. They'll wait. Why do you think they're always calling people's names in airports anyways? When your luggage doesnt turn up at the terminal where you land, consider it valet service for your bags. In fact, if you can, skip out of the airport and go directly to your hotel/host's house. The airline will DELIVER the bags to you the very next day! It just saves you having to lug all your unneeded crap though the streets. A word of caution on this one though, pack a pair of undies in your carry-on and be prepared to spring for some deodorant when you arrive. No one likes a stinky guest. In a hotel: Don't even look at that top bed-spread. Peel it back, lay it on the floor and pretend that the last eight seconds didn't happen. That revolting piece of fabric has more fluids on it than the backseat of a varsity team bus. Steer clear my friends. Also in this category is the glass-wear in the bathroom (they never get washed) and the remote control. Without getting to graphic, the remote control is what the other hand is holding. That's all I'm going to say about that. So now that you cant sit on your bed, have a glass of water and watch some TV, whatever will you do? Make the hotel know you are there. Leave your bags in the lobby to be carried up. Ask for more anything from the front desk; towels, shampoo, whatever... These people are there to see to your needs and you don't want to disappoint them. If you are flying Air Canada and this is an overseas flight, you have just scored the mother load. Make friends with the flight attendants!! Have a few bevvies!! Have a few more!!! Maybe take a tour of the second floor staff quarters of a 747!! Maybe do NOT have a three way with two of them, no matter how much they insist. But do have a few more bevvies, score a sweet 3$ blanket for free and find Daniel Craig on your private set-back TV. Curl up with him and your soon to be pounding hangover and try not to think about your desolate, workaday life that you will be preparing to descend into in about 20 minutes. When you get home, do the laundry right away. I know, I know, it sucks, you hate laundry, bla, bla, but at least at that very moment you have some sense of euphoria left in you and you will be less inclined to climb into that dryer and close the door behind you. I have more tips to impart, but they mostly involve KLM flight attendants, what not to order on the plane, what movies to avoid and what not to pack, both carry-on and checked luggage. Those tips seem like a later post. Happy travels!!

The Home Post

We have just returned from a weekend my my parents house. At a certain point in your life you have to stop calling it 'home' and start calling it 'my parents' house'. When it was 'home', there were three children living there. We only had one bathroom, which by today's standards would qualify you for sub standard living conditions. Every single friend you wanted to call was 'long distance' and there was no such thing as 'walking 'round to the store' as Beaudry's was five kilometers away. You literally could not see the forest for the trees - a situation which has not improved despite my dad's numerous chainsaws and grandsons now on the scene. When it was home, I was little and young and everything was bigger. The yard was big, the house was big, my parents' friends houses were big. The cows across the road were big and even my parents themselves were big. Now I am big and all of those things are small. In the wintertime we used to shovel off the deck outside the kitchen. The deck was impossibly vast and as such, tons of snow piled up and it took countless hours to shovel this over the edge of the second-floor deck into an Everestial peak miles below us. When we were finished, my dad used to pick us up, hoist us up over the railings and drop us into the snow...a veritable 7 or 8 second drop to the fluffy white pile below. The deck has now been replaced by an addition and in retrospect, I don't think the deck could have been more than 10' x 12' and at most was about 10' off the ground in the summer...likely about four feet once we had piled up the snow. There are now two bathrooms at my parents' house, although one of them makes a funny noise when you flush and neither of them are to be 'used' for fear of backing something up or running out of water or 'breaking' the toilet... The cows are no longer very big either...they too have been replaced by smaller beef cattle; easier to manage I think and likely a better market. I am quite sure my dad couldn't pick me up and hoist me over the railings anymore either, which is just as well since I'm pretty sure that all that 'hoisting' when i was young dislocated my shoulder and now it aches when I sleep funny. I still hear the mice in the walls when I sleep in one of the funny little off-chute bedrooms and I love, love, love the smell of the fireplace and the wood stove. Even in the summer. But now it is not home. Home is where my bathroom has rules of its own and instead of mice you hear sirens. There are no cows for miles around, but if cats could produce milk or meat...on second thought, that's just gross. And now the only place that is 'long distance' is my parents house.