A Wedding Speech...

The four of us have been close, close friends for fifteen years now. But as the first of us is not only getting married, but moving to an entirely other continent, we are presented with a sort of opportunity, if you will. We have an opening in our foursome and this event is as good a place as any to start spreading the word of our opening. As we are filling a very unique role, you should expect us to be quite particular; Firstly, the person will have to possess a rather spectacular flass. (for those not familiar, a flass is a unique trait; it is when a personÂ’s ass actually stretches from the backs of their thighs to their upper-mid-section and leaves all jeans and pant with a baggy, loose area where a typical bum should be; For a live example, please refer to almost any Tector . Yes, we will be requiring a flass to complement our full-bottomed group. Secondly, the person should be punctual to a fault. The fault being that under no situation will any of us be able to live up to their uber-punctuality and as a result we will be passive-aggressively ignored and shunned through tight little pursed lips for hours until we have fed this person a Mars bar. Thirdly the person must be one who dances with the grace of a happy sea crab and who knows all the words to Waltzing Matilda or The Mary Ellen Carter Finally, she should have immaculate taste in men; this is not to say that she couldn't have had her share of undertakers, hot-dog-eaters, or bisexuals, but at present date her partiality should be narrowed down to one extremely lovable, funny man who adores all of her quirks and behaviors, of which there are many. Now, we are not fussy about things like shopping endurance or personal hygiene; we have made concessions in the past for Amy's inability to cope with crowds or ironing boards. Things which are certain to be deal breakers will include, but are not limited to; Generosity of heart; We need someone who will fly her sister in to console her after a bad break-up, send her friends flowers on their last day of work, rearrange her entire life for the birth of not one, but three of our children, someone who always sees the best in people and who keeps in touch with her friends and family despite busy schedules and distance between. The ability to listen, endlessly. Listen to us cry, laugh, tell boring stories, whathaveyou. Listen and not interrupt; listen and not offer advice, just listen. Bring sunshine and light to an otherwise dark day; eat more than we did when we felt bad about eating too much, not judge when we say terrible things, and appreciate and love us for our short comings. These will be very adorable, perhaps shiny-red, unusually narrow shoes to fill. While we are very doubtful that we will be successful in our search and will ultimately remain merely a threesome, we still wish Amy and Andrew all of the happiness and joy that two people can stand. Please raise us glass with us, but do NOT clink them together, for our dearest friend Amy and her wonderful new husband Andrew; he is the only man deserving of taking her from us and I think we can all agree that she is irreplaceable.